Who are when you don’t know who you are?

We are often defined by our groups, roles and relationships. Familial: parent, child, sibling. Communal: friends, neighbors. Societal: Nationality, cultural, political and religious. Or sometimes we identify more with our work or talents: Lawyer, Teacher, Artist, Leader. But who are you when these signifiers shift? When relationships or jobs end? When things you used to do you no longer do? Who are you underneath all of those layers? Do we exist outside of relationship?

In coaching school we learned about the Big 5 personality factors and a bit about personality theory. Essentially, in this framework “who you are” can only be named by how you appear in relationship with others. The Big 5 are:

1. Openness to experience: Inventive and curious vs. consistent and cautious.

2. Conscientiousness: Efficient and organized vs. extravagant and careless.

3. Extraversion: Outgoing and energetic vs. solitary and reserved.

4. Agreeableness: Friendly and compassionate vs. critical and judgmental.

5. Neuroticism: Sensitive and nervous vs. resilient and confident.

Of course this is just one model, although it has been used quite bit for about a century to create things like personality assessments and to help with self-awareness, team dynamics, and personal growth. I remember rebelling against personality theory a lot in my mind and then taking assessments that already knew that my personality would make me rebel against prevailing theory. (Ha!)

I guess my question today is: how do YOU remember who you are? How do you decide who you are becoming? When external conditions are in flux (as they are for so many of us) or when there has been massive disruption (as there continues to be everywhere)? Or when you are intentionally or unintentionally shifting yourself? How do you begin to re-identify and reclaim? Or name something new for the first time?

What are the practices that bring you home?

Remember a Time

Take a moment and close your eyes when you are able. Remember a time when you felt physically and emotionally wonderful. It could be from this week or from a long time ago. It doesn’t have to be a big, significant moment in your life - although it might be - just one that felt really good. It could be a place or activity you love. Go ahead and remember this moment now.

When you have found that memory, stay with it for awhile and notice the qualities within it.
Where are you?
Who is with you or are you alone?
What do you smell?
What is the light like in that memory?
Describe it.

Now - while still remembering this - notice the sensation in your chest. How are you holding your shoulders? How does that feel?
Notice the sensation between your eyebrows. Notice your mouth and jaw.
What happens to your hands? Where do you shift the weight of your body in your hips and feet?

This is both a reminder and an invitation.
Even though this is a memory, it is also a posture and a shape to inhabit -
a thing you can move into and bring back into your body whenever you need it -
for as long as you like.

I love doing this as a guided exercise with coaching clients. And when I see each of those people again, I can often remember the memory they connected to. Where they were, what they were doing, what the light was like, and what their heart felt like. This is where I hold space for each person, even now - months and years after working together. I see them feeling calm, by the shore, face towards the sun. I see them deep in imaginative play, as a child, in a garden. I see them moving in the flow of a performance they have trained for and prepared for months, ready and under the lights. I see them exploring a place they have never been before, filled with wonder and curiosity. I see them with their loved ones, filled with presence and joy.

What is this place and time in your memory? Visit often and use it as a template for making new memories.